pregnancy thoughts

now that i'm in my third trimester, everything just seems to feel better if i don't have any clothes on. it's weird because i'm not usually like this but it's just been so hot lately and my body temperature's just higher than normal. i know it's because of the pregnancy but it's also because of the summer heat extension. it feels like summer's been here forever! but today, for the first time in a long time, i didn't have to turn on my ac all day because the heat was actually more bearable than usual. how i wish for more days like this! i know fall's coming soon but i just can't wait for it! ted and i even notice the changes in the leaves as fall is ready to make an entrance. it's just so beautiful.

anyway, i've been put on bed rest by my new doctor and i must say, i hate it. i hate it more than i hate not being able to drive on my own. now, i feel even more confined than usual. i miss my old life. i know that i have a whole new life ahead of me, especially with the baby coming, but i miss what i had before. i miss working, i miss going out with my friends, i miss drinking and laughing with my friends at bars, i miss being able to just pick up the phone and meet up with whoever calls me, and i definitely miss my life in Downtown LA. i know i'm probably being just overly emotional but i really do miss everything. i'm very grateful for the life i have now but i always seem to daydream about the past. today, i had lunch with sam and dinner with sam and kathy and i just really miss how we all used to hang out and just have fun. now i feel like i'm just holding everyone back because the most i can do with them is eat. i can't really go anywhere or walk anywhere, i can't drink, i can't go to clubs, and i can't even shoot pool. i love my little baby boy growing inside me but i really wish i can just be done and over with this pregnancy already. it seems like i've been pregnant for a whole year now. i know it's only supposed to be 10 months but it's too damn long....and i'm only a week shy of my 8th month. sighs.

i find myself getting annoyed at people asking me how far along i am and when i tell them "almost 8 months," they always have this shocked look on their faces and even go so far as to ask me, "are you sure there aren't twins in there?" rude ass people! i know i'm exceptionally large for just a week shy of 8 months but i can't help how big my tummy grew! i've only really gained 13 lbs my entire pregnancy and it's all in my tummy. even i don't understand how big i'm supposed to be. people always say you're either too big or too small. well, what fucking size are you supposed to be anyway?! it's not like i wasn't already big before i got pregnant. so shouldn't it be just natural for me to have a big belly as well?! ugh! people are just so fcking annoying sometimes. they don't realize that the little comments they make (even if they don't intentionally try to hurt you) affects your mood. it's ridiculous, really. it's like how people from Pinas always think it's okay that they tell me i'm fat. i'm not morbidly obese. yes, i'm chubby but i'm proportionally chubby and i don't have any guts sticking out. why the hell do people feel compelled to tell you you're fat when you don't really wanna hear it? i've always liked being my size. i was skinny once and i didn't like it because i started developing a complex about myself. i found myself conceited and insecure and always worrying about what clothes to wear and what heels goes with what outfit. it was so goddamn ridiculous! the moment i put on some extra weight, i started liking myself more because i no longer cared about the latest fashions and accessories. i wore what looked cute and felt comfortable. but of course, no one would understand that because apparently, in order to look good, you have to be skinny. i'm sorry but i beg to differ. i like being a big girl. what i don't like, however, is being a big pregnant girl and being constantly told that i'm "too big." i'm technically under the desired weight for my size and how far along i am so i really don't appreciate all the negative comments about my tummy. i swear, i'm going to cuss out the next person who makes a stupid ass comment about my size!

this fat kid loves cake!

now that i'm in my third trimester, i can't seem to stop craving sweet stuff. everyone tells me this is normal but how normal is it to wake up thinking about cake?! i feel like i'm obsessed about cake now like i was about coconuts when i was in my second trimester. and you know, i've never really liked cake before. the only thing i loved the most was ice cream. i used to have at least 10 different flavors of ice cream in my freezer. i couldn't go near the stuff during my first and second trimesters because it just didn't taste right to me. but now, i'll have a cone everyday :) but still....i want some cake. maybe some cake with ice cream? not an ice cream cake. just cake. LOL

i wonder if dylan's gonna like everything i've eaten my entire pregnancy. i've read books and online articles  that tells you "eat veggies so your baby will be prone to eating it when he/she comes out of the womb" but i don't know if i necessarily believe in that. my mother told me that she didn't have any pregnancy cravings but my dad did. she told me he'd leave at 3 in the morning to get fermented duck eggs or sour mangoes and whatever else he craved. it's funny cause now that i think about it, my bf has gained some serious sympathy weight. he actually gained more weight than i did! LOL. so it leads me to believe that maybe babies aren't really prone to like what you crave when you're pregnant. maybe if the parents forced the kid not to be a picky eater, then he'll pretty much eat whatever you give him. i'll have to test this theory as dylan gets older :)

but for now, off to go hunting for some nice, sweet, delicious cake!

i can't stop thinking about him...

lately, he's all i think about. 9 more weeks until i meet him :) nov. 2nd, please hurry up and get here already!

scorching hot weather and on my 3rd trimester is soooo not the business!

when i first found out i was pregnant, everyone told me what to expect. they said my first trimester is going to suck because of the morning sickness, that my second trimester will be the easiest and breeziest, and that my third trimester will be killer. well, i wish they would've told me that i would turn from being a pretty calm and quiet person to a raging lunatic! no one said anything about that!

i remember my first trimester and wishing that i would die. i had THE WORST morning sickness. it wasn't the throwing-up-all-day type. it was more like i couldn't get out of bed because i felt like i was dying every second that i was awake. you know that feeling you get right before you're about to throw up? that peak moment when you're so sick to your stomach that the next thing to do would be to throw up? well, imagine that peak feeling except for it lasts all day (instead of seconds) and there's no vomiting involved (thank God!). i felt like i was chained to my bed because it wouldn't go away. i could not, for the life of me, get any relief. everyone told me to drink ginger ale but that sure as heck didn't help. it did, however, make me HATE the taste of ginger ale. until now, i still won't order ginger ale as my beverage in restaurants. and then, there was that feeling of dire hunger. i would feel super hungry yet when i did get the chance to eat, i could only eat a handful of food. no, really. the food i consumed was probably the size of my palm. that's about 3-4 bites and then, i was full. an hour later, i'd be hungry again and the cycle seemed never-ending. also, nothing except sour foods tasted good. everyday, i ate super sour green mangoes with vinegar and bagoong (shrimp paste). all that acid made my stomach hurt but i didn't care because it was the only thing that tasted good to me. so i would force myself to eat a few bites of my meals then proceeded to eat all the mangoes my heart desired. i'd even suck on lemons and dip them in salt because that's how good it tasted to me. i was still always hungry, still always nauseous, and definitely drained of energy. how do people live like this?! i felt super tired and i was sleeping about 12-14 hours everyday. my bed was my bestfriend.

fast forward two months and i welcomed my second trimester with hopes of feeling better, getting more active, eating properly, and getting enough (but not too much) sleep. nope. that didn't happen either. i was hot and thirsty ALL THE TIME. i imagine this must be what vampires feel like. that perpetual thirst that never gets quenched. yup, that's what it was like. i could drink water and chew on ice everyday and still not be satisfied. my eating habits were still the same. i couldn't eat very much food and i definitely have hungry eyes so it made it that much more tortuous. when i found out that i only gained 5 lbs and i was already at 6 months, i went into panic mode and ate everything in sight. i only stopped eating when i was about to throw up or felt sick to my stomach. and in about 3 weeks, i managed to gain 8 more lbs. that put my mind at ease. my doctor told me i don't have to worry about gaining weight because i was already overweight to begin with but i couldn't sleep at night knowing that i was only up 5 lbs after 6 months. that just didn't sit well with me at all. when i finally got my weight up to 13 lbs, i calmed down on the ice cream and sweet treats and went back to eating regularly. oh and i also had a mild coconut obsession. i couldn't find any relief for my thirst so i started researching and found out that coconuts are a pregnant person's bestfriend. apparently, it helps you hydrate and keep your fluids in your body. it's also anti bacterial, anti viral, and anti fungal. which means, it's cleaner than water and definitely much better at hydrating. so, i drank 2 fresh young coconuts a day and my boyfriend became an expert at opening coconuts with a cleaver. he got so good at it that it only took him 3 strikes to open up a coconut for me. aren't i a lucky girl?

when people told me that i would be getting sleep my second trimester, they lied. because i was so thirsty throughout the day, i would get up to pee constantly. at night, i at least woke up 5-6 times to go to the bathroom. i peed so much, i didn't think it was possible for me to have all that water inside me. everyone always tells me i look too big to be *insert number of weeks here*. i figured they can all just shut the fuck up because it's mostly water weight. and it's true. until now (at 31 weeks), i still don't look pregnant or swollen unless people see my huge belly. anyway, slowly but surely, i was able to eat more food and steadily, too. i started to go out to eat at restaurants again because i had no more nausea and i also was about to eat just about anything. no more incessant cravings for all things sour. this time, i got very excited at the sight of sweet yellow mangoes and coconuts! i would go through boxes every week. my poor boyfriend had to keep doing grocery because i would eat everything that my eyes saw.

now that i'm in my third trimester, life is a bitch! first of all, there's this growing pressure in my crotch area. i asked my doctor about it and he said that it's just the pressure from the weight of the baby. my baby approximately weighs 3 lbs and 11 ounces so i'm assuming the rest of the weight i gained is just water? and yes, i stayed at 13 lbs. i haven't lost nor gained any weight and i'm not quite sure if i should be concerned. everyone tells me i'll balloon on my last month. well, we'll see. cause i don't want my baby underweight so if i have to, i will eat everything that i see. again. LOL. the thing that sucks about my third trimester is that i'm always hot, hungry, and the baby likes to kick my cervix and sit on my bladder. put all those things together with my raging hormones and it's really not a pretty sight. my house temperature is set to 72 degrees and i have a fan blasting directly infront of my yet i still sweat and feel hotter than ever. it seems as if i wake up sweaty every single day. it's just so annoying. also, i'm hungry all the time now. i will eat anything. and by anything, i mean ANYTHING. before, i would be super picky because nothing tasted right even if i was hungry. now, you can pretty much put a plate of food and i'll probably lick the plate clean. you could feed be bull's testicles or ostrich tacos and there wouldn't be a difference for me. food is food and as long as this baby inside me stops kicking for food, i will eat whatever i can, whenever i can. what i can't stand, however, is this feeling of having to pee all the time even if i've just finished peeing. the baby likes to sit or punch my bladder. my doctor thought i had UTI but that's not the case. there's no burning or itching or any discomfort when i pee. i either pee a little or a lot. it's really not consistent like my second trimester. now, what kills me is when the baby kicks my cervix! the pain is excruciating!!! it feels like someone punches me in my vagina. i can only imagine how guys feel when their testicles get punched. yup, that's what it must feel like. and because the baby does it so often, i'm no longer allowed to drive by myself. oh and Ted also learned how to move the baby when i cry out in pain. i don't know how to do it myself but it helps that he knows how. i definitely feel much better when he's around. even going to the bathroom right now and getting out of bed is a challenge. my inner thighs don't feel like it can hold me up at all and i struggle to walk every morning. this must be how old people feel. it's not a good feeling. i feel like i have an 80 year old body! i did some research (again) and apparently, my ligaments are looser now more than ever. that explains why i sometimes have no control over my legs. it sucks because it's not like i already didn't feel like a rolly polly already. now that i need assistance to even get out of bed in the mornings, i feel like a big fat whale that's washed up on shore. it's not cute. not cute at all. i probably also look like a zombie in the morning because i'm now averaging on 4 hours of sleep everyday. research says that it's my body's way of preparing itself for the sleepless nights ahead of me. sighs. what else is new?

this post probably seems like it's all negative but it's not. it's just easier to notice the things that are hard because going through them for the first time really teaches you a lot. the good thing about my third trimester is that now, i can actually crave sweet stuff and enjoy them. things like ice cream, cake, boba, etc. oh and my hair has never been shinier, healthier, and longer. because of all the hormones inside me, my hair doesn't fall off like it usually does. not even when i wash it. and my hair is probably 24+ inches or something. so that's A LOT of hair. i'm definitely going to cherish this time because i know that my hair will fall off after i give birth and definitely when i'm breastfeeding. all my of girlfriends have gone through it and some never even get their hair back at all. so, i'm just going to remember this time when Ted didn't have to snake the drain because of all of my hair that falls off.

the last thing i want to mention is how happy i was to pass my blood sugar test. it's this test where they don't let you eat anything for 8 hours then they give you a super sweet juice when you get to the doctor's office then they draw your blood. i guess it's to test for gestational diabetes and other diseases but luckily, mine turned out great. everyone else i know failed it so they had to take it all over again. this time, they have to wait in the doctor's for 3 hours then get their blood drawn again. i lucked out because i only had to do it once. thank you, Lord!

So...what happened in the last 3 years?

let's see...i started this blog when i started my bachelorette lifestyle in Downtown, LA. endless nights of partying, going out, and enjoying my life has blurred my memory of my time spent in my beautiful apartment at The Orsini. but to sum it all up, i tried to salvage my 10 year relationship (and that didn't work), fell out of love, moved on, fell in love again, settled down, and now, i'm starting my own family.

i never thought i'd get here. i never thought it was even possible for me to get pregnant. my ex and i tried for several years but i guess it wasn't a part of God's plan. i always had a hard time letting go of my ex. no matter how hard the times got, i still fought for him, for us. and i suppose if i wasn't so stubborn, i would have relieved myself of guilt, hurt, and pain much sooner. and while i do miss my ex and the past, history just needs to stay behind. at first, it was hard and i was lonely quite often. i thought drowning myself in alcohol would numb me from the pain and help me forget but no. everything else came back full force after the hangovers subsided. obviously that didn't work but for some reason, i kept living that lifestyle because it was the only thing i knew. everything i knew was of him, from him, and about him. i mean, i spent 10 of my best years with him. i'm bound to pick up a thing of two. anyway, the moment i let go, God showed me a beautiful life. not that my life wasn't beautiful because it was. i have a supportive family, an amazing set of friends, and i lived my life the way i wanted to. but God showed me something else: a life void of misery and pain.

fast forward to 2011, i met someone who changed my life completely. again, being as stubborn as i was, i refused to let him in my life. i refused to let him get to know me and found a million reasons not to go out with him and like him. that was a futile attempt. Ted was nothing short of a charismatic, funny, witty, and genuinely good guy. he was physically not my type. he was short (only 2 inches taller than me), dark skinned, rough around the edges, wore trendy clothes, not clean cut, awkward, and was pure Filipino. i've always liked mixed races for some reason. anyway, while everything about him was physically off (for me anyway), everything else about him was amazing. yup. he was amazing. everyone that knows him never had a bad thing to say about him and always told me he was such a good guy. long story short, i stopped fighting myself and just gave in. the moment i did, i found happiness again. it's like the stuff you see in the movies, only better :)

so, a few months into my new relationship, we decided to move in together and relocate to Glendale. Glendale is SOOOO not the business. there's no good food spots here, no good bars, and it's far away from everything else. basically, there's nothing to do here besides go shopping and make babies. i don't like shopping so i opted for the latter. haha!

i found out i was pregnant february of this year and it's been such a long but short pregnancy. i know, it sounds confusing but i can't find the words to describe it right now. i'm already in my third trimester and seriously suffering from pregnant brains. i don't even know how the hell i'm still blogging about this right now. more details about my pregnancy later. for now, the mission is to find food and eat. this scorching hot weather isn't helping either. ok, be back later for some pregnancy discussions :)