3 am

it's 3 am and i'm having a hard time sleeping. lately, my sleeping pattern's been off. i remember when i was still in my first trimester...as soon as 10 pm hit, i would be super sleepy and off to bed. i wouldn't even wake up until 8 am, just to take a nap again at 2 pm. now, it's hard to sleep. they say it's the body's way of preparing for the baby but damn, this is ridiculous! can i please get some sleep?!

anyway, i haven't written anything in about a week now. it's just that i'm always tired and there's really nothing on my mind besides my son. 6 more weeks until i hit my 40th week and i can officially meet him :) i'm so excited! while i'm deathly afraid of labor, i keep psyching myself out and telling myself that it will all be worth it when i get to hold him in my arms. my lil man :) wow, i still can't believe i'm going to be a mom. i never even thought that i would get here!

lately, dylan's been more active in my tummy. i can feel him moving around, shifting himself, stretching out his arms, moving his tiny little legs, and even hiccuping. his hiccups last about 10 minutes on average. LOL! poor lil guy! i can just imagine his tiny little body moving with every hiccup. well, it sure looks like that anyway. ted and i videotaped my tummy when dylan had hiccups and it was the cutest thing! ted felt so bad because he couldn't do anything for the baby. haha! he's going to love his son so much, i already know it. i wonder if ted will still remember me once the baby gets here. he told me that i won't pay attention to him anymore as soon as our son gets here. i know on some level that he's right...i just wonder if it's the same way with him as well. in any case, i'm just lucky to have such a loving and doting partner in life. i definitely lucked out with him.

all i do now is daydream about my son. like, what would he be like? would he be fussy? what if he ends up being a funny kid and always making me laugh? God, that would be so awesome! sometimes, i think i overwhelm myself when i picture my kid being exactly like his dad: super energetic. the thought scares me because i really don't want to have to put my kid on a leash...but i will if i have to. i'm not even going to lie. by the time dylan's a year and a half, i hope to be pregnant with my next child. as difficult as this pregnancy has been, i'm willing to go through it a second time because i really want 2 kids. i'm an only child and let me just say, it sucks! no one is there to play with, fight with, have your back at school, etc. i don't want to wish the same on dylan. and ted has 3 other half siblings. all of them have different dads but they still treat each other like they're full blood related. wait, is that even the proper term? whatever. all i'm saying is, as much as i HATE (emphasis on the HATE!) being pregnant, i'm willing to go through it all over again because i want dylan to have someone to grow up with. he needs to learn how to look out for his younger sibling as well as be a good example to him/her. growing up alone was difficult for me because i was always lonely. fortunately, my friends became my brothers and sisters and until now, the same friends i had in grade school are the ones that are still in my life right now. God has been so good to me. he's never left me without.

ugh! i'm hungry again so i'm going to find food to eat. i'm already up 20 lbs and i'm on my 34th week of pregnancy. the doctor says my weight gain is fairly normal. what's not normal, however, is the fact that i seem to have an insatiable appetite now. like, i just want to eat EVERYTHING! not cool! i don't want to be like this but i have a big boy growing inside me. this is all for him. i'm just the host. ha! i bet you anything he's already more than 6 pounds. well, if he gets to 8 pounds, i'm going to ask my doctor for a c-section because there's just no way in hell i can push out an 8 lb baby! the thought petrifies me. but enough of that. food now, blog later :)

kloveyoubye!

SPECIAL THANK YOUS!!!

i never really liked weddings or baby showers. don't like weddings because i was  in a relationship for 10 years with a guy i thought i was going to marry but it never happened. and when i did get invited to weddings, it was to be someone's wedding singer.  and i definitely didn't like baby showers because i've wanted a baby for SOOOOO long but it never happened either. yes, i admit it. i was a bitter betty. while i'm always happy for my friends, those two events always made me sensitive.

anyway, while i never got the wedding of my dreams, i did get the man of my dreams. and with that, another dream came true: our baby boy :) i couldn't be happier. yesterday, we had our baby shower and well, it was one of the most memorable times of my life. ted and i were surrounded by our family and friends and when we came home, ted said something that almost made me choke with tears. he said, "babe, i felt so loved today." i asked him what he meant by that and he said, "well, i've never really had anything where people showed up for me. it just feels really good" and he was just smiling from ear to ear while he was saying it. THAT alone made me happier than i already was. and while i'm super thankful for everyone who showered us with so much love and shared in our happiness, there are a few people i would like to give special thanks to:

Ate Chi- thank you for making the invitations and sending them out. also, thank you for hosting the games and making sure that everything went well at the shower. thank you for helping me set up and just being there for me, ted, and the baby. you were first to be there with me and last to leave. thank you!

this diaper cake was absolutely beautiful! THANK YOU, ate chi!

Jen Kim- i know you're Jennifer LaBrie now but you'll always be Jen Kim to me :) thank you for personalizing my giveaways and for being excited for me and the shower. because of that, i got excited, too. and thank you for our banner that you made! you're super creative and thoughtful! 

 this was such a beautiful banner, jen!

and how cute were the tags?! they matched the giveaways! :D

Susie- thank you for making the flower centerpieces and for getting the mint holders with the shredded papers. your idea was genius! i'm so glad you put pieces of safari animals in them. that gave it a special touch :) 

 how cute and pretty was this centerpiece?!

and we even got to match the mints with the whole theme!

Pauline- thank you for making the SUPER CUTE money tree. we absolutely loved it. and making it orange just made me feel even more special :) i felt like you made it for ME and not the baby. haha! also, thank you for the notes you bought so that everyone can write things to dylan and to us. that was a great idea and i can incorporate that into my scrap booking. 

 we LOVED this money tree!

such a sentimental thing from someone so thoughtful :)

Megan- thank you for making the beautiful cake. that was the one thing that Ted was most looking forward to. he couldn't stop talking about that cake and EVERYONE thought it was amazing. not just visually but it was one of the best cakes we've ever had :)

this cake was sooooo cute and soooo yummy!

Dee- thank you for being there early and for helping me set up. also, thank you for making the banner. if it were any other person, the banner would've been all sorts of messed up and off centered since you had to put the stickers on it. because of you, it actually looked cute. haha!

and lastly, Nheil- thank you for being my ride and for giving baby dylan your entire day yesterday :) thank you for helping me set up, load the car with all the gifts, and helping us unload all the stuff as well. GIGIMAW!!! 

thanks for all the help, kid!

overall, yesterday was such a beautiful and special day for us. our deepest gratitude to everyone who came out and share our happiness with us. baby dylan, ted, and i are extremely lucky and blessed to be surrounded by such good, loving, and beautiful people. thank you, thank you!

kloveyoubye!

fender bender

i just got off the phone with my mom and it turns out, someone rear-ended her this morning while she was stuck in traffic on the freeway. i immediately panicked and asked her if she was okay and she said she was fine. i asked her if she got the person's insurance and she said that the lady who hit her didn't have any insurance. my mom didn't suffer from any damages nor did her car. the lady's car, however, was all sorts of banged up. i don't know how that happened but my mom said that the lady's front hood busted open. in any case, my mom said that she didn't bother getting the lady's information because she was in a hurry to go to work, nothing happened to her, and nothing happened to her. sighs. oh, mom.

i remembered last year, after the new year, how some dumb 19 year old hit me because she was too busy texting and driving. i was furious because it happened only a couple of blocks away from my pad in downtown. but the girl told me that she's working and going to school and that this was her second accident and that her parents would kill her if her insurance got any higher. since the damage was small, i didn't bother taking her to court or calling her insurance. i still have the dent on the front left side of my car but it doesn't really matter since i wasn't hurt and i decided to give the girl a break.

maybe i am exactly like my mom in this way. this is how she creates good karma for herself. she doesn't care to nit pick at little things. my mom is such an amazing person and everyone who knows her loves her. i can only hope to be half the woman my mother is. and i definitely wish i can be half as good as a mother my mom was to me like i'm going to be to dylan in the future. my mom is my bestfriend and there is nothing i wouldn't do for her. simply put, my mom is the shit!

separation anxiety

kai was born on june 18, 2011 at Hollywood Presbyterian and weighed 6 lbs, 14 ounces. i met her mother mary grace (through my roommate) when she was 8 months pregnant with her. i met Kaiyan when she was only 4 days old and i immediately fell in love with her. she smelled so bad. not the bad baby smell but she smelled of fish. it turns out that kai's dad's family always cook fish in the house and it's not well ventilated so the poor baby reeked of the stench of fried fish! anyway, they stayed at the house for a few days while mary grace recuperated from her c-section (kai didn't want to come out so they had to take her out) and i helped take care of kai. what began as a 2 day sleepover gradually became a few weeks when i found out that mary grace didn't have a clue on what to do with her precious baby girl. i offered my house and my help to them and i'm glad that they took it because i was able to teach mary grace some things that her doctor overlooked and also correct the superstitious (and insanely wrong) beliefs of kai's family from her dad's side. Kai is now 2 1/2 months and tonight, they're moving out of my house and back into their apartment in North Hollywood. i found myself crying while i said goodbye to that sweet, precious child and for some reason, my tears still won't stop from falling...

kai's first pictorial @ 4 days old

i still remember the first time i changed her diapers. she had the cutest little newborn diapers and her poop was still black. she never made a fuss and only cried when she was hungry. after she was done eating, i would burp her, swaddle her, and put her to sleep. i also remember the first time i convinced mary grace to hold kai while she was naked because i wanted ted to capture it on camera. it was one of the most beautiful pictures i've ever seen. as soon as ted got the one good shot of her, she decided she had enough of being naked and pooped all over her mom and into my carpet. i still remember how hard i laughed that day. i also remember when mary grace first asked me to give her a bath because she was so nervous holding her little baby. she's a new mom so i was more than happy to help her. not that i was already a mom before her but because i've already had experience with newborns. she was so tiny, i could hold her with one arm and wash her with my other hand. my sink was so big for her and it only took me 3 minutes to give her a bath. bath time with kai was always my favorite. she loved hearing the sound of the water and even when she couldn't see yet, she knew she was about to take a bath. she was always so behaved and good natured that it was so easy for me to get it done in the shortest amount of time. i don't know when it happened exactly but she stole my heart and i fell in love with little kai.

i took kai and her mom to her doctor's appointments at 6 weeks and it was then that i realized just how much i cared about her. first, we went to her doctor at Cedar Sinai for her heart exam. i forgot to mention that kai was born with holes in her heart. for some reason, the holes never closed up so they had to monitor her condition carefully. when we got to the doctor's office and the nurse was doing her ekg, kai cried so hard. her mom, nervous as she was, didn't know what to do with her so i stepped in and started massaging her legs and talking to her. i always do that after i give her baths and it seems to soothe her. luckily, it calmed her down while her heart was being examined. like i said, she's such a good baby. and when it was time for the doctor to personally check her, i was the one who held her because she seemed to stay quiet whenever i'd hold her. the results of her exam came back right away and the holes in her heart were closing up! they weren't fully closed but they were getting there. the doctor told us to come back in 9 months to see the progression and hopefully find that the holes are all closed. this was great news! a few days after Cedars Sinai, we went to her regular doctor to get her 6-week check up. her doctor wasn't available so two other doctors came to see kai. at 6 weeks, she doubled up her weight. she was being fed too much! her mother loves to feed her and the doctors at Hollywood Presbyterian never really told her exactly how much to feed her baby so she assumed 4 ounces every 2 hours was okay. i kept telling her that was too much but hey, kai's her baby so she gets the final say. anyway, the 2 doctors checked kai and said she was too fat, that she was the size of a 6 month- 1 yr old, and that she needs to go on a diet because it was too much weight too soon. this annoyed mary grace but this upset me because i was right and i should have said something to mary grace. now, if there's anything to say about mary grace, she's the most stubborn person in the world. well, the most stubborn person that i know anyway. so of course, she didn't want to listen to what the 2 doctors had to say. but, because i already loved and cared about kai, i fought mary grace on the issue and finally got her to agree to feed kai 3 ounces every 3 hours. at first, we tried feeding kai 2 ounces every 2 hours but the poor baby was still so hungry and she would cry like her soul was hurting. i felt like crying, too, so mary grace and i agreed that 3 ounces every 3 hours for the next few months would be a good compromise. 

fast forward to a few weeks later and here i am, crying in my room because kai and mary grace and i are going our separate paths. i knew that this day would eventually come when kai and her mom had to move back to their place and live their own lives because i obviously also have to do the same thing. but in the 2 1/2 months she was with me, i've gotten to know her perhaps just a tad bit more than her mom because majority of the time, she's with me. whenever someone tries to hold her and she cries, i can tell them how to hold her the way she wants to be held and i'm always right. when they listen to me, she stops crying. and whenever she cries, i can distinguish what every cry means, whether it's cause she's hungry, sleepy, gassy, wants attention, wants to play, wants to be put down, when she wants her mom, etc. you name it, i can call it. when she's fussy and just wants to fight her sleep, i know exactly how to defeat her and put her right back to sleep. and anytime someone has a question about her, i can answer them in a quick second, even if it's the doctors asking questions. but right now, i'm 8 months pregnant and anxiously anticipating my son so i can't help take care of kai anymore. and eventhough i worry so much about them, at least i have a feeling of relief because i know that now, mary grace is more capable and able to take care of kai. she's come a long way from when kai was newly born and people who have no idea how to take care of a newborn (because their ways were from ancient times) kept yelling in her ear. and as stubborn as mary grace is, i'm glad she listens to me when it comes to her daughter because her motherly instincts tell her it comes from a good place and that it's also correct. kai is her daughter and it's time for me to step aside and trust that she will do right by kai. including feeding her correctly and monitoring her weight. did you hear that, grace? :)

there's a lot more things that i want to put in this blog but because my tears still won't stop falling, i'm just going to end it here with a few of my favorite picture of my little fishie.

this was kai at 4 days old. she was so beautiful and perfect!

one day, i was really upset and her mom brought her to me. she took away my anger with just the smile on her face and her little tongue that she kept wiggling at me.

bath time is our special time together :) i love giving her baths

this is how she always looks everytime i feed her, bathe her, and put her to sleep

how can something so small and someone who's not even mine steal my heart? 

there's nothing i wouldn't do for her.

i know kai's never going to read this blog but i hope she knows just how much i love her...

there's nothing like pregnant brains

i've always been open about my disdain about being pregnant. it's not a secret that i hate being pregnant. i love my son to death and i will do anything i can for him but seriously? being pregnant sucks! i feel like this body's not my own anymore and neither are my brains. my friend lauren warned me that i was going to have "pregnant brains." she told me that pregnant women lose a lot of brain cells when they're pregnant and that's why they're so forgetful. i didn't take her seriously and actually made fun of her. she also told me that my tummy was going to hurt everytime i blow my nose (i have really bad allergies and i'm constantly blowing my nose everytime i smell harsh perfumes or get near dust). i didn't believe her when she told me that either. and now, i'm regretting not taking her seriously. my badd, lauren!

now that i'm pregnant, i find myself getting frustrated because i can't find things or i stop talking mid-sentence because i don't remember what i wanted to say. like today for example, i was enjoying my frozen melon gatorade. i overly froze it so i have to scrape the icy part with a plastic spoon. i love drinking/eating it like that because nothing soothes a pregnant woman more than cold stuff (cold water, ice, ice cream, popsicles, etc.). i put my gatorade down because i shifted my body in my bed and being that my tummy is so big now, it takes up a lot of energy to even change positions. i also wanted to change the channel i was watching so i was browsing through the tv guide. i found a channel i liked and proceeded to look for my plastic spoon so i can continue to enjoy my gatorade. i spent 5 whole minutes looking for my damn plastic spoon; moving my pillows around, getting up to check if i sat on it, and basically looking everywhere, including the trash. knowing myself, i probably threw it in the trash can by accident. but no. i couldn't find my plastic spoon anywhere. i was so frustrated because i didn't want to go downstairs to get another plastic spoon. it's such a bitch going up and down the stairs with my heavy belly and loose pelvic ligaments. it's an everyday struggle, no joke. so i finally said "fuck it" and just grabbed my gatorade so i can drink what little liquid it had. so what do i find?! my plastic spoon inside my gatorade!!! ain't this a bitch?! i literally rolled my eyes and stabbed my icy gatorade with a whole lot of attitude.

there's also been a couple of incidents where i would call out the name of whoever i was with and when they would reply, i'd just tell them, "oh, i'm sorry. i forgot what i was about to say." that shit's so embarrassing! anyone who knows me knows they can't bullshit with me because i remember everything they tell me even as far as five years ago. i remember specifics, too. like what the person was wearing, where they said what they said, how the said it, etc. now, i can't even remember wtf i'm supposed to do or what i've eaten a few hours ago. how pathetic is that?! i've asked my mommy friends when i will get my regular brains back and sadly, almost all of them told me that you never really get it back. fact is, your memory just won't be as sharp as it used to be. well, this fucking blows! i didn't know that in order to have my baby, i have to lose my brains :( now i'm wondering if there are any programs out there that can help me retain my memory. i've even so much as asked my friend Derick for help.

sighs. i'd write more but i forgot what i wanted to bitch and complain about.


kloveyoubye!

a trending LOVE topic on my facebook...

it seems as though everyone's posting stuff about LOVE on my facebook today. and the ones who are posting it are always the problematic ones. you know, the ones who are labeled "crazy" by everyone else who observes their relationships. i'm not going to name names but you know who i'm talking about. i'm sure you have friends exactly like them. anyway, i find it so ironic that the same people who complain, whine, bitch, and moan about love are always the ones who can never even keep relationships. the people i know that can stay in long term relationships really don't complain about love nor view love as something negative. as a matter of fact, they don't even flaunt their relationships like the crazies do! they don't broadcast their love to the world. they keep it humble and to themselves because isn't it always embarrassing when people do public declarations of love then 2 weeks later, they talk shit about that same person because it didn't work out? for this journal's sake, i'm going to name the people who are troubled with love "the crazies" because that's what they are. well, to me anyway. here's what i really think about them:

the crazies are probably not even really crazy at all. they're probably just people who are clueless when it comes to being good to themselves. for whatever reason (and there are probably more than a million), these are the people who just don't get it. they don't understand that in order to enjoy and keep love with someone else, they have to enjoy and love themselves first. afterall, how can you share something you don't know about? i know it's more difficult than it sounds and believe me, i've made that journey so i can tell you from experience how hard it is to get to know yourself and be good to yourself without anyone telling you how to do it. everyone is different so presumably, the paths they have in life are different as well. but the one thing that separates success and failure is the ability to learn from experiences. you can pretty much apply this with all aspects of your life; school, work, relationships, friendships, etc. anyway, my point is, since there's no guidebook on love, it's important to learn from your experiences both good and bad. if you don't learn, you'll never have the love that you want; the love that you deserve.

i have friends who are in their 30s and are still clueless as to why they can't find a guy/girl that'll love them for who they are. i'm not going to lie. i don't believe in unconditional love with partners. if my partner ever tried to hurt me or kill me, i'm sorry but you get no love from me. you get my fist in your throat instead! the only unconditional love i believe in is the one mothers have for their children. that's pretty self- explanatory. this being said, it's hard to love someone who doesn't even love themselves. i can deal with a little insecurity (we're all insecure in our own little ways) and maybe even a little jealousy (which for the record, i think is healthy in a relationship as long as it's kept minimal) because that's what makes us human. but what i simply refuse to deal with is someone who's so miserable with themselves that they suck up all the positive energy out of you. you know, the ones who just leave you exhausted for no good reason and you don't even notice it until you start getting irritated and moody as well. negative energy does that to you. it's a creeper and you won't recognize it until you're all sorts of frustrated and angry. next thing you know, you're constantly fighting with this person. but i digress. if there's one thing i won't tolerate in my relationship, romantic or otherwise, it's an unreasonable person. i can't even begin to count the many relationships i've ended because of this. i've always prided myself upon the fact that i'm an extremely reasonable person. although i'm hot headed, i will listen to reason. but if you're just flat out crazy, i refuse to deal with you because there's just no resolving anything with your crazy ass. in short, you're just wasting my time.

what i'm trying to say in this blog is, get to know yourself and love yourself before letting someone else get to know you. spend a lot of time with yourself and be good to yourself because you won't know how to be good to someone else if you don't start with YOU. learn as you go along, grow to be the person you want to be, and genuinely feel good in your own skin and body before you yearn for a partner in love. you'll be saving everyone's time and energy if you just do yourself this favor. and leave all your crazy mess and drama in the past. if you were an insanely jealous and insecure person who tripped about everything your partner did, change that. no one likes to deal with drama like that. be kind to yourself and stop giving yourself a panic attack because you're so busy worrying about another person trying to steal your partner. trust me, people won't make your partner leave. they'll do that on their own. so block out the insecure voice in your head that tells you you're not good enough and stop worrying about shit that's not in your control. what you can control are your thoughts and reactions. be good to yourself and assure yourself that you're good enough and anyone who's with you is only so lucky to be a part of your life. even if you don't believe in it, LIE TO YOURSELF! if you lie to yourself enough, pretty soon, you'll believe that you are good enough and start acting like it. and be kind to your partner. i can't stress this enough. if you know something will make your partner happy and you can give it to him/her, do it. don't be selfish. and if things, for whatever reason, go wrong in your relationship, don't be afraid to walk away. you were not put on this earth to be miserable. you have a purpose in life and it isn't to live an unhappy and miserable life. be good to yourself and others and the universe will send a partner suitable for you. you are what you attract. if you're a good person, someone good will come your way. i'm a firm believer of that.


kiloveyoubye!