separation anxiety

kai was born on june 18, 2011 at Hollywood Presbyterian and weighed 6 lbs, 14 ounces. i met her mother mary grace (through my roommate) when she was 8 months pregnant with her. i met Kaiyan when she was only 4 days old and i immediately fell in love with her. she smelled so bad. not the bad baby smell but she smelled of fish. it turns out that kai's dad's family always cook fish in the house and it's not well ventilated so the poor baby reeked of the stench of fried fish! anyway, they stayed at the house for a few days while mary grace recuperated from her c-section (kai didn't want to come out so they had to take her out) and i helped take care of kai. what began as a 2 day sleepover gradually became a few weeks when i found out that mary grace didn't have a clue on what to do with her precious baby girl. i offered my house and my help to them and i'm glad that they took it because i was able to teach mary grace some things that her doctor overlooked and also correct the superstitious (and insanely wrong) beliefs of kai's family from her dad's side. Kai is now 2 1/2 months and tonight, they're moving out of my house and back into their apartment in North Hollywood. i found myself crying while i said goodbye to that sweet, precious child and for some reason, my tears still won't stop from falling...

kai's first pictorial @ 4 days old

i still remember the first time i changed her diapers. she had the cutest little newborn diapers and her poop was still black. she never made a fuss and only cried when she was hungry. after she was done eating, i would burp her, swaddle her, and put her to sleep. i also remember the first time i convinced mary grace to hold kai while she was naked because i wanted ted to capture it on camera. it was one of the most beautiful pictures i've ever seen. as soon as ted got the one good shot of her, she decided she had enough of being naked and pooped all over her mom and into my carpet. i still remember how hard i laughed that day. i also remember when mary grace first asked me to give her a bath because she was so nervous holding her little baby. she's a new mom so i was more than happy to help her. not that i was already a mom before her but because i've already had experience with newborns. she was so tiny, i could hold her with one arm and wash her with my other hand. my sink was so big for her and it only took me 3 minutes to give her a bath. bath time with kai was always my favorite. she loved hearing the sound of the water and even when she couldn't see yet, she knew she was about to take a bath. she was always so behaved and good natured that it was so easy for me to get it done in the shortest amount of time. i don't know when it happened exactly but she stole my heart and i fell in love with little kai.

i took kai and her mom to her doctor's appointments at 6 weeks and it was then that i realized just how much i cared about her. first, we went to her doctor at Cedar Sinai for her heart exam. i forgot to mention that kai was born with holes in her heart. for some reason, the holes never closed up so they had to monitor her condition carefully. when we got to the doctor's office and the nurse was doing her ekg, kai cried so hard. her mom, nervous as she was, didn't know what to do with her so i stepped in and started massaging her legs and talking to her. i always do that after i give her baths and it seems to soothe her. luckily, it calmed her down while her heart was being examined. like i said, she's such a good baby. and when it was time for the doctor to personally check her, i was the one who held her because she seemed to stay quiet whenever i'd hold her. the results of her exam came back right away and the holes in her heart were closing up! they weren't fully closed but they were getting there. the doctor told us to come back in 9 months to see the progression and hopefully find that the holes are all closed. this was great news! a few days after Cedars Sinai, we went to her regular doctor to get her 6-week check up. her doctor wasn't available so two other doctors came to see kai. at 6 weeks, she doubled up her weight. she was being fed too much! her mother loves to feed her and the doctors at Hollywood Presbyterian never really told her exactly how much to feed her baby so she assumed 4 ounces every 2 hours was okay. i kept telling her that was too much but hey, kai's her baby so she gets the final say. anyway, the 2 doctors checked kai and said she was too fat, that she was the size of a 6 month- 1 yr old, and that she needs to go on a diet because it was too much weight too soon. this annoyed mary grace but this upset me because i was right and i should have said something to mary grace. now, if there's anything to say about mary grace, she's the most stubborn person in the world. well, the most stubborn person that i know anyway. so of course, she didn't want to listen to what the 2 doctors had to say. but, because i already loved and cared about kai, i fought mary grace on the issue and finally got her to agree to feed kai 3 ounces every 3 hours. at first, we tried feeding kai 2 ounces every 2 hours but the poor baby was still so hungry and she would cry like her soul was hurting. i felt like crying, too, so mary grace and i agreed that 3 ounces every 3 hours for the next few months would be a good compromise. 

fast forward to a few weeks later and here i am, crying in my room because kai and mary grace and i are going our separate paths. i knew that this day would eventually come when kai and her mom had to move back to their place and live their own lives because i obviously also have to do the same thing. but in the 2 1/2 months she was with me, i've gotten to know her perhaps just a tad bit more than her mom because majority of the time, she's with me. whenever someone tries to hold her and she cries, i can tell them how to hold her the way she wants to be held and i'm always right. when they listen to me, she stops crying. and whenever she cries, i can distinguish what every cry means, whether it's cause she's hungry, sleepy, gassy, wants attention, wants to play, wants to be put down, when she wants her mom, etc. you name it, i can call it. when she's fussy and just wants to fight her sleep, i know exactly how to defeat her and put her right back to sleep. and anytime someone has a question about her, i can answer them in a quick second, even if it's the doctors asking questions. but right now, i'm 8 months pregnant and anxiously anticipating my son so i can't help take care of kai anymore. and eventhough i worry so much about them, at least i have a feeling of relief because i know that now, mary grace is more capable and able to take care of kai. she's come a long way from when kai was newly born and people who have no idea how to take care of a newborn (because their ways were from ancient times) kept yelling in her ear. and as stubborn as mary grace is, i'm glad she listens to me when it comes to her daughter because her motherly instincts tell her it comes from a good place and that it's also correct. kai is her daughter and it's time for me to step aside and trust that she will do right by kai. including feeding her correctly and monitoring her weight. did you hear that, grace? :)

there's a lot more things that i want to put in this blog but because my tears still won't stop falling, i'm just going to end it here with a few of my favorite picture of my little fishie.

this was kai at 4 days old. she was so beautiful and perfect!

one day, i was really upset and her mom brought her to me. she took away my anger with just the smile on her face and her little tongue that she kept wiggling at me.

bath time is our special time together :) i love giving her baths

this is how she always looks everytime i feed her, bathe her, and put her to sleep

how can something so small and someone who's not even mine steal my heart? 

there's nothing i wouldn't do for her.

i know kai's never going to read this blog but i hope she knows just how much i love her...